What can I do
by Pilotofmymind
Summary: The incident; that set the ball rolling toward toward The Incident. Warnings: Random tense changes, homophobic tenancies, repressed homosexuality, cruelty


**Year Five**: Part one

How could he have known a talk would turn into this? How could he have expected this? In all honesty had Remus really expected him to reciprocate these... feelings? He isn't sure about this, any of this, so he stands silently and just looks at the other boy; and really this wouldn't be as uncomfortable as it is if they weren't hiding in one of the boys loo stalls.

"Remus..." he doesn't know how to finish this sentence, he can't very well blurt out '_I'm not gay. Get away from me._' now can he? Remus is one of his best friends, Remus is his important friend. They do what they do for Remus. Because they all love him.

They all love him. They're all nice to him. So why did he have to single in on Sirius? Why couldn't he be standing here with James', who's much better suited for delicate situations like these? Or Peter who probably feels that way towards Remus anyway; it would be stupid for Sirius to pretend he hadn't seen the way Peter looked at Remus; The same way James looked at Lily. And, dammit, why was he standing here? And why was he-

Remus' expression changed slowly, it went from hopeful to nervous, from nervous to a little scared, from scared to defeated. And Sirius realized that he must have hesitated longer then he'd meant to, because Remus is out of the stall, and running out of the bathroom.

Sirius can hear the other boys fleeing footsteps echoing in his mind, his words from earlier are dancing through in bits and pieces, and then it hits Sirius; Remus is running from him.

"He probably thinks I hate him." Sirius moans as he sits heavily on the toilet seat, that isn't there, and he ends up sitting in the water. And it must have taken him longer to come to this conclusion then he'd thought, because James is standing there giving him a bemused look. "Help me up, you git." Sirius says it with no real conviction, and James pulls him to his feet, and out of the toilet bowl.

"What happened with Remus?" James asks as he watches the toilet water dripping from Sirius, who is in turn looking at it as if he could throw up; and at least they're in the right place, James thinks. "He lit off down the hall past me on my way in. Peter was coming down to meet us in about five minutes. I thought we could sneak out, but I'd expected Remus to be with us." he sounded almost reproving, but Sirius couldn't be bothered to be scolded right now.

"Oi," Sirius finally turns to look up at James, "I pissed in there." it's all he can say right now as he lifts his soggy robes away from his skin, and James backs up to let him out, and now that Sirius mentioned it; he can catch the faint scent of urine in the air. Much to James' dismay, however, Sirius leaves the bathroom, and walks past Peter in the hall, without returning his enthusiastic 'Hullo!'

Peter paused awkwardly, watching Sirius hurry away, and wondering what happened. As he turns away he spots James standing in the bathroom doorway, so he heads over running a hand through his hair before he comes to a pause in front of the other boy, he doesn't see Remus in sight, and so he asks "Is it off then?" he tries not to sound dejected over it, because that would seem a little selfish, when Sirius is obviously having some problems (and why were his robes wet?)

James shakes his head slowly, almost as if something just caught up with him, and slowly he turns his eyes to Peter's worried face, and offers a smile, that feels weak even to him. "No, let's just you and I go today." Peter looks so excited that James is glad he decided to say it. He pulls the invisibility cloak from his back pocket, and steps close to Peter, before shrouding them both in it.

**Year Five**: Part two

He isn't sure what woke him, as he lies on his back looking up at the shadows playing within the confines of his canopy. He's straining hard to hear, all the while wondering when he'd fallen asleep, but he doesn't want to move; doesn't want to get out of bed and look at whatever it was. Doesn't even want to think about it really. He just wants to go back to sleep.

But he can't sleep now. And he can hear someone out there, in the dormitory, they're walking carefully across the room, sneaking. As if they didn't want to wake anyone; and really he's probably the only one that was woken by the noise. But what noise? There isn't anything echoing in his mind, and he can't remember any distinct noise rousing him; so what woke him?

And then he realizes; he smells something. Sweat, fear, blood. And then there's a slight creaking sound, coming from somewhere beside him, and he realizes that it's Remus. And without thinking he's sitting up and ripping the curtains back, with a sneer in place, and Remus is looking at him wide eyed, and very obviously scared, "What the hell, Moony?" Sirius hisses, and Remus doesn't move from where he's rested his ankle against his knee to untie his shoe. "It's the middle of the night! Where did you disappear off to, anyway?" Sirius is still whispering, but his voice is rising despite his efforts.

He can see Remus almost clearly in the room, and he isn't sure why, "I was worried about you, you know?" he snapped as he shifted into a sitting position, accidentally knocking the book he'd drifted off with to the floor; it's Remus' copy of Gone with the Wind. And he feels awkward when Remus looks down at it slowly. But he doesn't give Remus a chance to speak, to react at all, "I didn't want you to run off earlier, I was trying to talk to you!"

He wanted to keep going, to yell at Remus even, but the other boy slowly leaned down and picked the book up, placing it on the bedside table he shared with Sirius, "I was embarrassed." Remus says, before standing up and grabbing his school bag, "And I don't want to talk about it." Sirius wants to stop him, but all he does is watch him as he walks away.

He can hear Remus' hurried footsteps on the stairs, and it feels like he knows Remus hadn't rushed up the stairs. Feels like he knows Remus had taken them carefully, slowly, one at a time. Dreading what waited at the top of them.

He knows that's what he would have done.

And without realizing what he's doing he starts down the stairs after Remus, and pauses on the bottom step when he sees Remus standing at the couch, the other boy sighs, as if he's dreading this; here and now. "I just want you to know," Sirius says, and maybe his voice is a little too high, he doesn't know, "I'm still your friend." Remus seems to marginally relax, "But, _I'm_ _not gay._" and he realizes his voice is just a little too loud.

And finally, finally-as he notices Lily standing there by the fire place, a look of shock on her features, her book, whatever it is (looks like a muggle book) slipping from her hands- he realizes why he could see Remus clearly in the room. Realizes why he'd woken up. It hadn't been Remus' scent dragging him from sleep (and if it wasn't gay to think that, he didn't know what was), it had been morning. It was morning.

Suddenly a strangely foreign sound broke the barrier around him as Remus let out a sound caught between a wail, and a sob, peals of laughter through the common room, and it was _so wrong_, so _very_, _very wrong._ They never got laughed at. The Marauders did the laughing.

Casting a look around the room Sirius noticed the other students, noticed they were all staring at him, noticed James horrified expression, and Peter's nervous glances; noticed what he should have been looking for before (instead of watching the lines of Remus' body against the soft glowing light). The common room was full.

The only area even slightly empty was the hearth, where Lily still stood, but Remus was running through the common room, and Sirius moved to go after him, but to his shock, and utter embarrassment something caught the end of his robes, and he hit the floor face first, a strange keening sound running up the back of his throat as he saw Lily's red hair whipping out behind her as she, too, rushed out of the room.

James was pulling him to his feet, and he realized belatedly, and he was thoroughly horrified, that he was crying, and bleeding. There was blood gushing out of his lip, where it had busted on the floor, and pouring out of his nose, and his face felt sore, and it took him a moment to realize he'd bitten down on his tongue hard enough to make it bleed.

And suddenly the pain was all he could focus on; all he saw; and all he felt. He didn't even care he was practically sobbing when James led him to the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey was so understanding, cooing to him, and comforting him. And he was so embarrassed. He lied and said he felt sick; just so that he could stay in the hospital wing the rest of the day.

**Year Five**: Part three

He could hear Lily running after him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to let her catch up to him. It had been utterly humiliating when she'd begun noticing he was different from the other boys and even worse when she'd noticed him watching Sirius from afar. He could hear her calling out after him; "I'm sorry, Remus! I'm so sorry!"

But he didn't stop until he'd burst through the doors to the girls lavatory, and she burst in after him, and much to their surprise, and Remus' horror Severus burst in behind her, "Lily!" he was panting, and Remus turned quickly away, covering his face, humiliated, and looking to the floor, the two girls who'd been in the lavatory quickly left, looking back as if confused, "Lily!" Severus gasped, clutching his side, and Lily looked nervously between the two boys.

"I've just seen Sirius Black." he gasped, and finally Lily approached him, she was about to ask why it was important, when a laugh burbled up inside of Severus, "He was crying!" he sounded so pleased, and though he hadn't yet caught his breath he was grinning, Remus turned toward them rubbing his eyes as he approached, "He was bleeding. And he was crying." he laughed again, and Lily sighed, disappointed, "Someone really laid into him."

She looked up at him, and Remus could see the fear in her eyes, and he knew instantly that she's done it, but he didn't know how it was possible. She'd followed him out of the common room almost instantaneously. "I stepped on his robe, and tripped him." Lily admitted, and Severus looked up at her, his eyes shining brilliantly, until he noticed Remus.

Reeling back he pointed at Remus, and looked at Lily, evidently scared, "What is he doing here?" he sounded offended, as if she'd done something against him. And maybe she had. Remus often saw Severus and Lily coming out of the girl's room together; perhaps it was their private spot.

"I'm sorry," Remus says as he raises his hands as if to imply Severus calm down; and he doesn't know why, but it seems like he's been apologizing to everyone, for everything, his whole life. "Lily gave me some spectacularly bad advice. We were just... talking about it."

"I'm sorry Remus!" Lily says as she turns to him, "I didn't expect this to happen! I shouldn't have pushed you, you know him better than I do. I'm sorry." she sounds worried, and Remus just shakes his head, as if to imply that it doesn't matter, and Lily turns back to Severus, "Sirius Black just told the whole of Gryffindor that Remus is gay." she realizes a second too late that perhaps she shouldn't have said it, as she whirls around to face Remus, her hand over her mouth, and he just raises an eyebrow.

"They didn't notice by now?" Severus asks, straightening his robes, having finally caught his breath, and Remus, and Lily both look at him, seeming surprised. "I'd noticed you ogling Black back in our third year." he seems rather proud of this fact, and Remus and Lily exchange glances. "Found it amusing myself."

"And you never told anyone?" Remus asked, feeling little more than ashamed right now. To know that Severus had known his deepest secret and hadn't told anyone; not even when he had stood idly by and watched as Sirius and James had taunted Severus. It was rather embarrassing.

"Of course not," Severus looked indignant, "Why would I? If you didn't tell them, I assumed you had your reasoning." he gave a slight shrug, and Remus' mouth was a little slack. He knew he'd never have been that considerate to Severus. "I'm heading to breakfast now." Severus said, and sounding indifferent, "Would you like to walk down with me, Remus? I see Lily has forgotten her bag." Lily looked down, and noticed it wasn't hanging from her shoulder,

"Oh no," she sighed, pushing Remus toward Severus, "You two go ahead, I'm going to go grab my bag." she said as she rushed out of the door, feeling strangely excited over the fact that perhaps, just maybe, Severus and Remus would hook up. She desperately wanted Severus to have something to make him happy. And she wanted, unsure why as he'd spent years picking on Severus as well, Remus to be happy.

Looking a little uncomfortable, and slightly nervous Remus grabbed his bag, and joined Severus, "I'd like that." he murmured, though his mind was still on Sirius, and the incident in the common room. How was he going to live this down?

**Year Five**: Part four

They were mad at him. He could tell by the way James stood in front of him, arms crossed, and scowl firmly in place; he wouldn't be able to joke his way out of this (and what hurt the most was that Remus wasn't even here for their meeting). "I didn't mean to." his voice comes out a little strained, and though James knows he's telling the truth he doesn't say, or do anything. "I'm not gay though." he adds, and James and Peter both wince, as if they'd been struck, "I'm sorry! I just- I just-" he doesn't know what to say, what to do.

_He's not gay_, he tells himself. _He's not attracted to Remus_, he reassures himself. _He just wants things to go back to normal again_, he thinks, as he drops his gaze to the floor. "I was half asleep, how was I supposed to know the room was full?" Peter almost laughs, and James scoffs,

"It should have been a dead giveaway that Remus was dressed, and ready for the day, or hey," he motions vaguely, "that the beds were empty, Sirius. You should have paid attention to your surroundings." Sirius knows he's right, and he wants to resent the other boy for it, but Merlin he loves James like a brother (a real brother, not like Regulus!), and no matter how he tries he can't get any words to form, for his defense, anyway. He's rather sick of himself, when he stops to consider it, really.

"You have to make it up to Moony." James says firmly, and Sirius nods, keeping his eyes on the floor, and James turns around and walks away, Peter whispers 'Good luck!' before trailing after James, because James agreed to help him with an essay.

He wants to go find Remus, he wants to apologize. But he can't bring himself to move, when all he can remember is that Remus told him he was in love with him. That Remus had run out of the loo stall, and disappeared. That Remus had been avoiding him.

And it hurt him the most, he realized, that Remus was avoiding him. Because he'd thought that Remus was his friend, really truly his friend. To believe the other boy would let something as insignificant as this get in between them, then maybe it was better if they weren't-

...But he couldn't even finish that train of thought. He _l__oved_ Remus. He was his friend. And he was, he was-

… And he was going to make this up to Remus. No matter what it took.

**Year Five**: Part five

"Hey!" James called after him, rushing to keep up with him, and Remus paused on the stairs, waiting as James clambered down them, panting, "Sirius is looking for you." he finally says, and Remus stops to consider this. James is rather athletic, which can only mean he's been tearing through Hogwarts looking for him.

"Okay?" he asks, feeling a little on edge, because it's Sirius' fault they aren't talking; it's Sirius' fault that he keeps having boys teasing him; it's Sirius' fault every girl in Gryffindor wants to be his best friend! "I'm not hiding or anything." he says matter of factly as he starts down the stairs, and James lets out a frustrated scream, muffled by his hands, because; yes, Remus _has_ been hiding.

But James doesn't follow him, and he has cause to wonder why, so he hesitates on the bottom step, turning slightly to look up at James, who's just taken his glasses off, and has begun wiping them on his robes sleeve, "I'll be sitting outside, near the lake if he really is looking for me." Remus says softly, and James gives a slight start, then nods, before turning and rushing down the hall.

He doesn't know why he's willing to give Sirius a chance to talk it out; he's rather sick of excuses by now, after all. But it only seems the logical thing to do. After all, it will be a full moon in two weeks, and Padfoot is his biggest help during those times. So he wants it over; the hiding out, the silence, the fighting.

And so he headed outside, to sit underneath a tree near the lake, to wait and see if Sirius even showed up (he seriously doubted he would). Using this time to study, Remus almost didn't notice when a first year Ravenclaw approached him, and stood nervously in front of him, toying with the sleeve of his robe. A quick glance up revealed the boy's name to be 'Derek'.

So he took pity on the poor, young, and obviously frightened boy, and lowered his book. "Can I help you?" he asked trying to sound as friendly as possible, and to his surprise the boy's face lit up as if he'd just been given a galleon.

"M-maybe," the boy offered hesitantly, his expression returning to his rather despondent look, "I've lost my wand." he murmured, so low that Remus barely heard him, as he turned his gaze to the ground, nervously toeing the dirt with his shoe.

"What?" Remus was surprised by that. Standing up he slipped his books back into his bag and looked down at the boy, hesitantly offering his hand, "I'll help you find it, Derek." he said with a soft smile, and Derek looked up at him, with large watery blue eyes, and the sweetest smile he'd ever seen. He felt rather bad for the poor boy when he noticed a bruise blooming on his jawline (but why, he wondered as Derek led him away, to where he last remembered having his wand, had the boy come to him? Rather than an older Ravenclaw? It was strange.).

**Year five**: Part the sixth

When he heard the dormitory room door slam shut James knew the meeting hadn't gone well. Though he could think of anything that Remus could have said to make Sirius this angry, the other boy was rather red in the face. He'd been gone quite some time, so it couldn't have been a last minute comment; it was likely the whole conversation.

"What happened?" Peter asked as he sat up from where he'd been sprawled across James' bed pouring over his charms book. Sirius looked up at them, as if he'd just noticed they were there, and then turned back toward his own bed, before hauling off and kicking his trunk.

"Stupid Remus!" he snapped, ignoring the throbbing pain in his foot, "He didn't even show up!" Sirius sounded rather... sad, which caught James by surprise, "I waited for hours!" Sirius moaned, the anger vanishing from his features as he flopped down onto his bed, dragging his pillow over his head, "He tricked me! Made me look like an ass!" he screamed into the folds of his blanket, and Peter and James exchanged glances.

Sensing his best friend might actually be about to cry (and after seeing him crying from pain the other week, James was quite done with that), James slid from his bed, and quietly gathered his books, Peter followed his suit. "We're going downstairs to study, Evans might show up this time," James shrugged, "you can join us whenever you're ready, Sirius." James said softly as he and Peter walked silently across the floor.

He remained silent until he heard them close the door, then he moaned into the bed, trying not to cry; because he didn't cry! Not over such stupid things as losing a friend! He was Sirius Black! He could have any friend he wanted!

He wasn't about to go crying over Remus, not when it was obvious their friendship wasn't as strong as he'd thought it was (and really how embarrassing could it possibly have been that he'd outed Remus?). If Remus didn't care about him, then he wouldn't care about Remus, it was as simple as that.

… Except it wasn't. And he did care about Remus.

Sirius was still lying like that when he heard the door open, and close. He stayed where he was, though he desperately wanted to see if it was Remus. It turned out, however, that he didn't even have to look, because Remus spoke; "Hi, Sirius." his tone was brusque, as if Sirius had been the one to stand _him _up!

He was Sirius Black! People didn't stand him up! Didn't Remus realize he'd just made a grave mistake?

Growling in the back of his throat Sirius got up, and whirled around to look at Remus, who was calmly sorting through his books, "'Hi, Sirius'?" Sirius repeated, in a rather mocking tone, in response to which Remus just stared at him, "That's all you have to say?" Remus looked a little confused, and gave a slight shrug, "What the hell, Remus!" Sirius snapped moving forward to grab Remus by the collar, slamming him back against one of the posts of his bed.

With Sirius positively towering over him Remus didn't feel quite as casual, or confident, as he had felt walking in. Was Sirius in a mood? Had he done something? Why hadn't James' and Peter warned him? "What?" Remus finally managed to get out, though his voice trembled slightly as he spoke.

"What's your problem?" Sirius asked, in a more reasonable tone of voice, but Remus remained silent, unsure of just what Sirius was referring to, "You can't do that kinda crap to me, Moony," he whined, sounding much more like himself, but still, Remus was unsure of what he meant, "... Don't even bother with it again." Sirius scoffed, shoving Remus roughly away from himself, sending the other boy spiraling into his bed, "Think you can stand me up," he muttered with the roll of his eyes, turning away, "Fuck off, Remus." he snapped before storming out of the room.

Leaving Remus lying on his bed mouth slack watching the door utterly confused.

**Year five**: Part seven

The next afternoon found Remus sitting on the grass outside, gazing into nothingness, wondering what Sirius had thought he'd meant about meeting him. What Sirius had gotten so offended over? What was happening between them, anyway? He wasn't sure, but he was rather annoyed over it. Sighing Remus scrubbed a hand over his features, and when he dropped his hand he was a little startled to suddenly behold a boy his age standing before him, with a gleaming grin.

Tall, blonde, athletic build, and so, so very confident "Hello." he said, as he moved closer, and Remus just stared up at him, noting that he was a Ravenclaw. "I hear you helped out a first year in my house yesterday." he said casually, and Remus shrugged, "Thank you for that." he said with an air of importance, "Do you mind if I sit with you?" he asked, and Remus was about to tell him to bugger off when the boy sat next to him, "Thank you!" he said sweetly.

And for the first time Remus noticed the girl standing there, struggling underneath the combined weight of her bag, and one Remus assumed belonged to this boy, as well as a broomstick. "I'm Gilderoy Lockhart!" he introduced himself, but his tone indicated that he thought Remus should have already known that, "And you are?"

"Remus Lupin." Remus said, sounding rather bored. And the boy nodded enthusiastically, motioning for the girl to put his bag and broomstick beside him, "Off you go now, dear." he said softly, "I'll see you again later." he offered her that dazzling smile, and her face flushed before she rushed away. Again Remus was about to tell Gilderoy to bugger off, when he happened to look straight ahead, and saw… Severus approaching. That was strange.

"As I was saying" Gilderoy continued, "I heard you helped a first year in my house yesterday. And I wanted to personally thank you." It wouldn't have mattered if Remus had wanted to say something, because Gilderoy was continuing on, "That was very kind of you, when you needn't have done that. And as a thank you I would like to take you out for a butterbeer this upcoming Hogsmeade weekend."

Giving a slight start, Remus turned toward Gilderoy and just _stared _at him for a moment; he had to admit, the boy was startlingly handsome. And the honest expression wasn't helping him want to say no; the sweet expression, and the almost eager way he was fidgeting with his prefects badge. "Alright." Remus said as he climbed to his feet, "I'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks." Remus said, offering a soft smile, before quickly moving toward Severus; meeting him halfway as he slung his bag over his shoulder.

"You're not with those…" he appreciated that Severus hadn't finished insulting his friends right to his face that way, "… do you not enjoy their… company anymore?" he settled on asking, and Remus noticed he was a little… slimy looking. Severus seemed to take notice of this because sneered, and motioned vaguely toward the tree Remus knew his friends were sitting under, "Black hexed me. I haven't figured out the counter." It was surprising that Severus would admit to such, and he seemed to realize his mistake for he quickly added, "_Yet_."

"It's not that I don't enjoy them," Remus said tentatively as he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled his wand out, "but Sirius is… I feel like I need to let things calm between us." He shrugged, and Severus glanced toward the tree, "It's my hex. I helped make it." He had done most of the work, "I can fix-" he waved his wand, and immediately Severus' skin returned to normal "it." Remus smiled slightly, and Severus looked… grateful.

"Are you going to be in Hogsmeade this weekend?" Severus suddenly blurted out, and Remus raised an eyebrow, but remained silent; forcing Severus to have to continue; despite the fact that he now looked a little embarrassed, "I'd like… to thank you for h-helping" the way he stumbled over the word made Remus realize just how shocking it actually was for him to help Severus where Sirius was involved. He was a terrible prefect; a great prat. "me." Severus finished with his eyes downcast, and Remus smiled.

"That would be lovely." Severus looked up at him surprised, "Meet me at Honeydukes around one?" Severus nodded, and Remus gave a slight wave, "I'll see you Saturday." He said with a grin, before walking around Severus and heading up toward the castle; watching out for Lily, because he really didn't know how to deal with what he had just agreed to.

He had two dates for Saturday. Two. That was more for one day than he had had the past _year_. And though he knew he should feel bad; knew he should feel the wrong side of nervous; he felt giddy; and excited. And to his surprise; he wasn't worrying over Sirius. Flushing slightly he rushed up the steps; and he was so focused on what may, or may not happen on Saturday, that he didn't notice he was walking right passed Sirius; didn't hear the other boy's questioning; "Remus?"

Looking up just before colliding with Lily, Remus grinned, "Lily!" he said excitedly, and didn't hear Sirius, not even four feet back, letting out an exasperated sigh, didn't notice him stamping his foot out of frustration, "I've got to talk to you-" he said as he moved a little closer, and Lily, watching Sirius about to have a tantrum, turned her attention to Remus, "I've just been asked out" Lily grinned; and Sirius' frustration was replaced with surprise; and he moved a little closer, "twice!" Remus whispered excitedly.

"That's great Remus!" Lily said as she grabbed his arm, and drew him closer, "Tell me who?" she asked as she began tugging him toward the stairs, giving Sirius a strangely smug look.

"You know that boy ion our year, the Ravenclaw prefect?" Lily's eyes widened slightly, and Remus giggled, nodding, "I had no idea he was even bent!" Remus whispered; and Sirius was left standing in the doorway, with his jaw slack, watching the boy he was absolutely _not sexually interested in_ walk away, to prepare for his… dates? Who was the second boy, he wanted to scream, and almost did; but James chose that moment to grab hold of him;

"Snivellus figured out the counter already!" he practically shouted, but Sirius didn't care. He only cared that Remus had dates, plural, for Saturday; but he didn't care that one of those dates wasn't with him! He didn't!

"Let's make him hurt." Sirius said, and James gave him a _look_, "…emotionally. I'm not a monster." James laughed, and he tried to laugh along; but all he could think of was _who is the second date with?_

**Year Five: **Part eight

When they finally made their way back to the common room, Lily asked James to stop and talk to her a moment, and confused he did. Peter waited at the bottom of the stairs, and Sirius took them two at a time to see if Remus was in the dorm. As he slammed the door open he saw Remus sitting in bed, reading a book; the other boy glanced up, and then quickly back down. Sirius supposed they were still fighting. "Heard you've got a date Saturday." Remus ignored him; or just didn't acknowledge him; was there a difference, even? He was sure Remus would have an argument for the difference; if he were acknowledging him.

"With Gilderoy Lockhart." Remus tensed, and Sirius glared. "Is he taking you to Honeydukes?" Sirius asked, his tone a little too bitter, "Is he going to buy you _chocolate?_" his tone was incredibly condescending; yet Remus remained silent. Slowly, feigning calmness; Remus flipped the page in his book. And Sirius couldn't take this! He wanted to _hit Remus!_ He wanted to demand the other boy either tell him he was done with him-with _them!_ Because James and Peter would come with him; or just get over himself.

"You know what, Remus-" still the other boy didn't look up, "you're a right fuckin'" he paused, sneering; he couldn't think of anything bad enough. And though there were hurtful words burning his tongue, he wasn't angry enough to justify them, so he searched his mind for a word; and there, he located one; "_fucking cunt!"_ he hissed.

Just as the words finished leaving his mouth he regretted saying it; he knew hurting Remus wasn't going to help this fight; he knew that cussing at him, and making him feel bad was pointless; he should just say he was sorry; he should be trying to make things better; but he was making them worse. Always making them worse. "And-and… you use people." What was _wrong with him?_

He could see that Remus was trembling now; and he wanted desperately to make this better; particularly when Remus closed his book-slowly, with measured movements-he was breaking, and Sirius was the one holding the hammer-and placed it on the bed. "You used me. Until you couldn't use me for the _sick_ things you wanted! And now you're fucking finished with me! You little prick!" it was bad that Remus wasn't getting angry-but he could see it-he could see the dulled edges; the way his breathing was increasing; he could see the hurt seeping in, and twisting around his heart; he could see so much; and yet he couldn't stop- "You're a freak." It was the wrong word; it the wrong context; in the wrong situation.

But he was going now; and James wasn't here to stop it; Peter wasn't here to buffer it; and Remus was falling to pieces in front of him; "Did you confound him?" it wasn't something he should ever ask someone he loved; someone he cared about; it wasn't something Remus would _ever_ even _consider_. "Because I heard he was quite a hit with the ladies-until you found out you couldn't have me. That's sick, Lupin. You're a fucking _pervert_."

These were things he would never be able to fix; and he wanted to fix this; he didn't want to make it worse; but his own breathing was growing heavier, and he was gasping slightly, under his own pain-_losing him-I'm losing him-I don't want to lose him-_"There's something so wrong with you" Remus was shaking now, and Sirius knew he was crying-that whimper… he couldn't really be causing this; could he?-"nothing will ever fix someone like _you_. _Nothing_." He was hissing; and he really didn't feel like himself; what was he doing? Why was he saying this-_I'm sorry-please I don't mean it-Remus-Remus_- A sharp laugh-too much like his mother's- escaped him, and he straightened to his full height, and looked down his nose at Remus; "What's wrong with you?"

It was terrible to know that he was saying this; to know that he was causing this pain; to know that the pieces of Remus shattering on the floor were breaking because of him. but still Remus remained silent; even as he shook with the silent cries; and the expert way he was keeping silent made Sirius wonder _how often does he cry and hide it from us?_

The sound of the door opening was louder to him than it reasonably should have been; and Remus was up off of his bed, and running from the room as fast as he could; it was by some sort of miracle that he didn't run into Peter or James. "Moony?" James called; but only half-heartedly. Apparently he hadn't noticed the tears; "Padfoot!" he said excitedly as he flung himself into Sirius; beside himself with joy; neither noticed Peter leaving the room, "Lily asked me out! I got you a date!"

**Year Five**: Part nine

The date with Gilderoy was nice. And incredibly boring. All the other boy had done was talk about himself. And Remus was too focused on the things Sirius had said to him during the week to really enjoy listening to someone fawn over themselves-and besides he was sure the boy was exaggerating about most everything.

By the time he got to Honeydukes to meet Severus he was foul tempered, and really not in the mood to listen to someone tell him how terrible his friends were. As he came to a halt outside of the shop he looked around, and didn't spot Sirius, James, Peter, Lily-or the two girls the other boys had been with; so he assumed it was safe to wait outside for Severus; who chose the same moment, Remus turned toward the shop window; the same moment Remus' friends-and dates- chose to round a corner, facing Honeydukes; to approach Remus.

"Sorry-" Severus sounded slightly breathless, and Remus turned toward him, and smiled slightly; not noticing his friends gawking at them. "I met with some friends, and they talked me into having lunch." He motioned toward the shop, and Remus smiled gently, "Now that I'm here, would you like to get something?"

"Of course." Remus said softly, surprised Severus hadn't had a snide comment about his friends yet. Severus opened the door for him, and Remus felt himself blush slightly as he murmured a thank you, and entered the shop.

"I feel sick." Sirius said, and James had a mirror look of shock; disgust; and betrayal on his face. "I… I'm sorry, luv" he muttered to his date, as he jerked his arm away, "I have to go back to the castle." But he wasn't going to. He was going to spy on Remus.

"I'll see you back at the dorm." James sounded in shock, and Sirius nodded vaguely aware that the group was drifting away. How could he have just seen what he had seen? Remus with Snivellus? How low could he go?

It was sickening for Sirius to realize, as he shifted to the side, folding his arms over his chest, and leaning into the building he stood next to; that as he stood in the shadows, watching Remus through the shop window; He was acting every bit like the family he despised. And speaking of that family-"Regulus." He drawled, and his brother spun around looking for him; and upon locating him he grinning; looking absurdly happy.

The younger boy moved over to him quickly; smiling, and looking a little excited, "Sirius?" he sounded hopeful; as if he expected Sirius to have a spot to eat with him.

"What do you know about this?" Sirius made no indication to what he was talking about; and his brother looked around, confused, "This!" Sirius pointed toward the shop, where Remus was blushing, and laughing over something Severus had said, "What is the meaning of that?"

"Looks like they're buying candy?" Regulus offered, very confused.

Sighing heavily Sirius shook his head slightly, "Yes. On a date." Regulus looked as scandalized as Sirius felt. "Find out from Snape why he's dating my friend. Pretend his being a pervert is alright, to get on his good side." Regulus nodded; and then realizing he had to do something to keep Regulus on _his_ side, and to stay on Regulus' good side, Sirius tentatively added, "Fancy a butterbeer?" Regulus beamed as he nodded excitedly.

**Year Five**: Part Ten

"You alright?" Severus asked quite suddenly as they stopped in the hall, Remus couldn't see anyone in the hall; but he felt as if there was someone nearby. Lightly Severus touched his arm, to turn his attention back to him, Remus nodded slightly; and Severus seemed content with that answer. "I'll see you class Monday then." He said, and Remus smiled politely as the other boy took a step back, hesitated, and then turned away.

It was terrible of him, he thought; that he had gone on a date with Severus; even worse that he had enjoyed it. It almost felt like he had betrayed Sirius, and James; even with Sirius' words from earlier in the week ringing in his ears; echoing in his mind, and then back again. Maybe it didn't matter anymore if he did go out with Severus; maybe it didn't matter what he felt; what he thought. Maybe it only mattered what Sirius thought; what Sirius wanted.

Sighing Remus made his way into the nearest loo to gather himself before he went back to the common room; and something not entirely surprising happened; Sirius walked into the loo. The door slammed behind him; and Remus felt a shiver run down his spine; what was going to happen?

It wasn't like Sirius could do any more damage to him than he had already done; he was already broken; and he wasn't getting any better. He turned away from the sink he had paused by, and just stared at Sirius; neither of them spoke; and Remus began to wonder if that had been an accidental follow in. But then Sirius started to move toward him in an almost predatory fashion, and Remus found himself… half afraid. Half aroused.

Hating himself he moved backward to avoid having Sirius get anywhere near him; his back hit the wall; and Sirius stopped in front of him; clenching his fists and glaring at Remus. "Snivellus?" Sirius finally said, and Remus furrowed his brow; trying not to seem afraid; though he felt terrified when he saw that anger; that hate in Sirius' beautiful eyes. A slow, cold, emotionless smile crossed Sirius' lips; but there was something in his eyes that Remus recognized as regret; "How pathetic."

"What?" Remus asked, confused. Surely Sirius hadn't just called him pathetic? But Sirius was laughing,

"You're pathetic! If you wanted me, and couldn't have me, you would have done better to go after my brother." He raised a hand and Remus flinched; Sirius raised a brow slightly, "Pathetic." Remus felt himself trembling; he felt cold; and he felt like crying. "It's pathetic that your standards dropped so far, so quickly." He shook his head slightly; looking at Remus condescendingly.

His knees were weak, and he didn't want to hear anymore. He didn't want Sirius to treat him this way; he didn't want Sirius to think of him this way. "You know, Remus," Sirius said suddenly, as he placed his hand flat against the wall, beside Remus' head, "I'm willing to overlook your… indiscretions, if you just apologize. And promise not to… try to pervert me."

He felt like he had stopped breathing; felt like he had just been doused in cold water; he felt… shocked. "Apologize?" he whispered, offended,

"That's right."

"Apologize for what?" Remus whispered, not really feeling like he was going to get a real answer,

"Everything." Was he imagining it, or was Sirius' hand touching his hair now?

Furrowing his brow Remus just stared at Sirius; trying to discern what he could possibly be telling Remus to apologize for; "Apologize for… for loving you?" Sirius' fierce expression seemed to shift; Sirius seemed as close to breaking as he was, "Apologize for you telling me I tricked a boy into asking me out? Apologize for you calling me a freak? A pervert? What have I to apologize for, Sirius?" Remus demanded; and he didn't notice his voice was raising; didn't notice he stepped away from the wall to glare up into Sirius' eyes; didn't notice that he was close to tears. "What have I done, to deserve this, Sirius? Is it just because I'm a poofer? Is it because I'm a werewolf?"

"No!" Sirius shouted; and Remus recoiled hitting the wall, "I don't care about your infection. You _know that_!"

"You sure made that hard to see the other day!" Remus was actually shouting at him; and he felt like something had gone wrong here; he hadn't expected Remus to get furious; he had expected an apology; he had expected things to go back to normal; he hadn't expected a fight.

"Well if you weren't so busy acting like a fucking Nancy, and worrying over dates with Snivelly I wouldn't have been so fucking pissed with you!"

"Fuck off, Sirius!" Remus snarled; and for the first time since he had _met _Remus, the other boy raised his fist and punched him in the jaw; Remus was surprisingly strong; and he found himself on the floor, one hand on his jaw, the other pushing him into a sitting position as his eyes watered; and Remus was walking out of the room; as the door closed he heard James calling out to Remus, and a strange sound he had _never_ heard anyone make escaping Remus.

The door didn't need to be open for him to know that Remus was gone off down the hall.

**Year Five**: Part Eleven

He was sitting on the staircase when she found him; she was utterly confused. Because the stairs had just swung around to her platform, and he didn't stand up to go up; he just stayed there, so she went to sit beside him. They were silent for a few moments; between a few swings. And finally she spoke, "Are you okay?" she had just been to see Severus and he hadn't told her of anything that could have made Remus this upset; nothing bad had happened according to Severus.

"I just… lost my best friend." she hadn't been expecting _that_. She waited for him to continue; but he just sat there; staring straight ahead.

"What happened?"

"He's a bastard-" Remus let out a strange gasping noise; that was just a little too high pitched; and he leaned forward, as she raised a hand to rub his back; and he covered his face with both hands; she wanted to tell Remus that he should have realized that a long time ago; but she had more tact than that.

She couldn't tell if he was crying; or if he was just trying to hide; but she leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, either way. To her surprise he leaned into her, and wrapped an arm around her waist; dropping his other hand from covering his face to grip her arm.

They stayed like that for a while; in all honesty she wasn't sure how long; but suddenly Remus pulled away from her, and rubbed his eyes. "I… we should go to the common room." She nodded, and they both climbed to their feet, and stood on opposite sides of the staircase, each gripping a banister; "Thanks." Remus murmured right before the stairs stopped and he rushed off.

The walk back was silent, and to his relief Lily didn't try to talk about what had happened; they climbed through the portrait hole, and he waved at her, and she smiled back, and then he made his way slowly up the stairs. The lights were off so he had to sneak across the room to his bed. Quietly, carefully he took his robes off; and then his trousers, vest and shirt; but he left his under shirt and boxers on; because he didn't want to open his trunk and wake anyone.

As he climbed into bed he couldn't help but feel a bit restful toward his friends (Sirius' friends?) right now. None of them had waited up for him; none of them were worried about him; and when he thought about the fact that there was a full moon in about a week, and his friends wouldn't be there with him, he felt sick; because it was going to be their choice that was keeping them away (it had only been around five months since they had started coming with him on the full; but he had grown used to it).

**Year Five**: Part Twelve

It had only been a week since his date with Severus on Saturday, but he found himself growing strangely attached to Severus over the course of a few days. Maybe it was because they had been talking; maybe it was because now that he wasn't with Sirius, James and Peter he could get to know the other boy; and he could learn things about him; and he could let himself like him; without risk of losing what he didn't have.

Whatever the reason he found himself seeking Severus out in the halls; stopping him for chats; sitting in the library with him; whispering. He found himself enjoying his days; and the problems with Sirius were in the back of his mind; and he was glad he had someone to be around.

Especially today as they stood on the stairs; he was extremely nervous over what he was about to do; but he was pleased too, and he couldn't stop smiling; couldn't help the light blush on his cheeks; and as he shifted a little closer Severus suddenly did something strange; he leaned back, and rested his hands against the banister; regarding Remus strangely. "Ever snogged anyone?" Severus suddenly asked, and Remus flushed, embarrassedly.

"N-no." he admitted, looking down, slowly Severus shifted forward, and Remus looked up to see what he was about to do; and then Severus kissed him. They stood like that for several moments; kissing slowly, nervously; and Remus realized he didn't want to stop; he wanted to stay here.

But he had to get to the shack; and Severus needed to study for his potions exam on Monday. So slowly; reluctantly Remus drew back; unable to help grinning; and to his surprise Severus even smiled slightly. Blushing just a bit more Remus rubbed his cheeks, "I… I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow." He said softly, before turning and rushing down the stairs; if Severus noticed that he was going the wrong way he didn't mention it; just watched him disappear, before climbing up the stairs, and starting down the hall; he had something he needed to do before he went back to his own common room.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all; first Remus tells him something as big as he's in love with him. And then the next thing he does is start going on dates? And with Snivellus none-the-less! And then he punches him! And now _this;_ an offense worse than anything else so far!

Well, he wasn't going to put up with this. Not at all.

He was going to get back at Remus. Make him apologize-make him _beg__ . _And he was going to make sure Remus didn't keep going on with Snivelly the way he had been all week-they all knew it was just to make him jealous anyway.

Well; Snivellus was so curious about where Remus went every fullmoon; and tonight was a fullmoon. He would just let Snivellus find out. And then he would be rid of Snivellus; and Moony would _have_ to come back to them. It was simple.

"Snivellus." Sirius said casually; calmly. And Severus let out an exasperated sigh, and turned away from the Gryffindor third year he was just taking points from, and raised a brow, "Still too busy to wash, I see."

He rolled his eyes and was about to walk away when Sirius blocked his escape, "Oi! Wait a minute now, Snivelly! I want to talk to you." And still Severus remained silent; but he was giving Sirius a look that said _I'm better than you_, and that was strange, because usually he kept his eyes down when dealing with Sirius; what had Remus told him? That little traitor…

"You know the way Lupin disappears all the time?" that got the git's attention. "Well, I know where he goes." Had he just heard someone gasp? "You know that whopping willow?" Severus glanced toward a window, "There's a knot in the base of the tree. You can hit it with a stick. He's in there." Severus gave him a discernible look, and then turned and walked quickly down the hall, glancing back at him worriedly.

But Sirius didn't follow. And as soon as Severus was around the corner Sirius found himself being slammed into the wall, and whirled around so his back was to the wall; which was preferable, because now he could see his attacker, and-… James? James was attacking him? Had they all gone mad?

"What's wrong with you, Sirius?" James demanded, and Peter stood a few feet away holding the cloak; had they been going down to see Remus? To help that traitor? Those sods! "Why the hell would you tell him that?"

"Well, since Remus likes him so much better than me, I figured he would be better off with Snivelly there, than if-"

"He's going to _kill him!_" James yelled, and suddenly he didn't seem so interested in beating Sirius, because he was running down the hall. To save Snivellus? What had the world come to?

"That was a low thing to do, Sirius." Shocked Sirius turned his attention back to Peter just as he vanished under the cloak, "Makes me wonder if this whole time you've been lying about why Remus stopped hanging with us?" but Sirius didn't answer, because he couldn't tell if Peter had waited for an answer or not.

Slowly he moved away from the wall, and looked down the hall, and then up; he had to choose right now, should he go help undo what he had caused? Or should he turn tail and hide?

He had woken up alone. And the condition he was in ruled out any sort of possibility that he had company. He was laying his stomach, trying to get himself to move when he felt a hand on his back, "Mr. Lupin, I'm afraid we need to talk." Well. Waking up with Dumbldore there was even more embarrassing than Madam Pomfrey.

And much worse; because it meant something had happened.

Had he killed someone?

"I'm afraid it was a close call." Remus gave a slight start; he hadn't realized he had even asked that question. Dumbledore helped him into a sitting position, politely turning his eyes away as a blanket was wrapped around Remus from behind, and to his confusion, Professor McGonagall moved around in front of him. "When you came to this school, we had an agreement." Dumbledore conjured two chairs, and he and McGonagall sat down; looking down on Remus. Everyone was always looking down on him.

His confusion must have been evident, for Dumbledore, continued, "No one was to know of your condition." The colour drained from Remus' face, and Professor McGonagall moved forward, off of the chair, and knelt beside him, wrapping an arm around him, "Now would you be so kind as to tell me just who does know?"

"James Potter, P-Peter Pettigrew, Sirius B-Black."

"Thank you, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore stood from his chair, waved his wand, and nodded to Professor McGonagall before walking from the small room.

"What happened?" Remus whispered looking up at her, and she looked back at him almost sadly,

"I'm afraid you attacked Severus Snape." Remus felt sick, and he thought he was going to throw up. "Let's take you to the infirmary, now." she said gently as she helped him stand up

"I'm sorry." James' voice was hoarse, and he was so very tired. Dumbledore had just gotten through talking with them-all of them. And James was trying to make things… as normal as he could. "I don't know why Sirius did that, Severus." but Severus wasn't listening, he was looking straight ahead as he walked to his common room.

The others were already back in their common room, and they all had detention the next three weekends. Except Remus; who really had been innocent in all of this. Another reason James had followed Severus down the hall, was because he wanted to stop and see Moony. "I had nothing to do with it!" James insisted, but Severus ignored him. They had to part ways here, James knew; because Severus needed the dungeons, and he needed the infirmary.

Sighing he made his way down the hall, he hadn't slept all night; and hadn't been able to catch a nap. He, Severus, and Peter had spent the night in the tunnel leading into the shack; which was how Madam Pomfrey had found them; and then Professor Dumbledore had come down to deal with it. And now it was bedtime, and he was out in the halls, going to see his friend he had just found out had not been avoiding them; but that Sirius had only been… well, Sirius had been a liar.

It was harder than usual to slip into the infirmary unnoticed; because Peter still had his cloak. But somehow he managed; and as he made his way, quietly to the curtain that hid Remus, he could hear the sounds of muffled crying. Sighing he slipped behind the curtain, and moved over to the bed; Remus' back was to him.

Hesitating for a moment, James moved forward, and climbed up into bed with Remus, the other boy stiffened, and James frowned slightly as he shifted on the bed to lie down, so that he could wrap his arm around Remus. Remus was still sniffling, and James wanted to make him feel better, so without thinking about it he whispered, "Sirius had detention. But he asked me if I could come tell you tonight that he's sorry for everything."

It was a lie, and a terrible lie; and he knew Remus knew it too, but the other boy rolled over to face him, and wrapped his arms around James, and sniffed. "Thank you, Prongs." He whispered; wondering when they were going to tell him that they had set that prank up on Severus; and why he was already preparing himself to forgive them for it.


End file.
